RESILIENT TO ANTIFRAGILE - The Secret To Building A Strong Relationship

IN THIS EPISODE, we explore three levels of relationship strength; fragility, resilience, and anti fragility.

We see how these states differ from one another, and how that relates to the strength of one’s relationship.

We discover how chasing happiness can make you miserable.

& We touch on ways we can get past relationship challenges and emerge stronger from them.

Books!  Click the Amazon links below to get these great books for your library.  They're affiliate links so a percentage of your purchase will go toward helping our show, at no extra cost to you.  Thanks for your support!

“Antifragile” by Nassim Nicholas Taleb
https://www.amazon.com/Antifragile-Nassim-Nicholas-Taleb-audiobook/dp/B00A2ZIZYQ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2L0YEF4GTW0R9&keywords=antifragile&qid=1647893662&s=books&sprefix=%252Cstripbooks%252C242&sr=1-1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=f7be86d63273fd6ef54cfe567f045e6a&camp=1789&creative=9325

“Happier, No Matter What” by Tal Ben-Shahar
https://www.amazon.com/Happier-Matter-What-Cultivating-Resilience/dp/B092B95X4N/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=tal+ben-shahar&qid=1647894048&s=audible&sprefix=tal+ben%252Caudible%252C329&sr=1-1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=4363786ce7217d4437d5da53b85f704f&camp=1789&creative=9325

“Happier:  Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment” by Tal Ben-Shahar
https://www.amazon.com/Happier-Tal-Ben-Shahar-audiobook/dp/B000RNKHKI/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=tal+ben-shahar&qid=1647894048&s=audible&sprefix=tal+ben%252Caudible%252C329&sr=1-2&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=ebb4a6bedc661cfeb1d67ff0ca70fc97&camp=1789&creative=9325

 

* What Is Resilience?
    * Simply put, resilience is the ability to experience pain, challenges, or stress and then find a way to bounce back.

* How is it different from anti-fragility?
    * anti-fragility was coined by author, mathematician, & risk analyst Nassim Nicholas Taleb, in his book, “Antifragile”.
    * According to Taleb, anti-fragility is the ability for a system to grow or benefit from unforeseen events, mistakes, or chaos. 
    * And according to author & former Harvard professor, Tal Ben Shahar, anti-fragility is resilience 2.0. Resilience 1.0 is withstanding stress, whereas the antifragile becomes better because of it.

•  Some of the common characteristics of resilience:

  • resilient people know that “shit happens”
    * helps one to avoid feeling discriminated against when adversity occurs
    * instead of “why me?”, think “why not me?”. - Shit happens to everyone
    * “shit happens” removes ego from the equation, it’s simple statistics
* resilient people are good at choosing where they place their attention
    * focus on what they can change and accept what they can’t (that’s the essence of Stoicism btw)
        * Stoicism is about training yourself to handle worst case scenarios by contemplating on them with emotional detachment and practicing skills to deal with any situation effectively. Stoicism removes the fear (and hope) of your anxious thoughts about the future and allows you to accept the inevitable hardships and final end that all humans face. It does this by building up your mental fortitude to accept the present moment and the randomness of the next hour, whether it is one of pleasure or pain. Therefore it is a philosophy of acceptance, no matter who you are and where you are in life.
        * Seneca was a rich dude who practiced non-attachment & visualized tragic scenarios, to be prepared against them
        * (Stoicism is in a way a philosophy about building resilience.  Resilience is a precursor to antifragility))
    * don’t diminish the negative, but have worked out a way to tune in to the good (benefit finding)
    * make an intentional, deliberate and ongoing effort to tune in to what’s good in your world
    * generally optimistic- focus on the big picture, don’t allow slip-up to ruin day, focus on gratitude, and live in the present
* stay open minded and flexible
    * open to new ideas, opportunities, etc
    * recognize that the greatest opportunities come when there is a lot of upheaval
* ask themselves “is what I am doing helping or harming me?”

* The happiness paradox
    * from Tal Ben Shahar
    * pursuance of happiness causes unhappiness and tends to lead to depression (valuing happiness)
    * happiness is best pursued indirectly <—explain please
* happiness iis the result of (SPIRE Model)
    * Spiritual
        * Finding a sense of meaning & purpose in life, at work & at home
    * Physical
        * Most important factor is stress, without including time for recovery from the stress
    * Intellectual
        * Curious people are happier & live longer.
            * Deeply engaging with material: text, art, even nature (NERRRRRRRDS)
    * Relational
        * #1 predictor of happiness is spending quality time with people we love and who love us in return
        * “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” Nat King Cole
    * Emotional
        * Embracing painful emotions is important, it’s all part of the cycle of growth & wisdom
        * Gratitude!

 

* Ways to foster anti-fragility
    * seek out uncomfortable challenges
    * welcome opportunities for failure, then learn from them
    * embrace post-traumatic growth
    * be patient with yourself and recognize when you need time for recovery
    * find ways to diversify how and where you find joy, including your social support structures
    * practice patience & kindness to yourself and your partner
    * take time to yourself, so you are able to sort out feelings & personal reflection

WHEN CONFLICT ARISES:  
* Reduce your emotional response (detachment)
    * time-out for a few minutes to organize thoughts
    * remember that the relationship is greater than the conflict
    * stress isn’t a final state, it’s an *indicator* of something that needs to change
* Search the conversation for clues about its “real meaning”
    * what people need is not always what people say
    * ego creates smokescreens to protect itself
    * we all have basic needs in conflict (ie: “i need to feel loved”, I need to be included”, I need to feel safe” etc)
* Find ways to navigate through the obstacles placed by ego & attachment to a real solution
* Touch base with each others’ basic needs to provide solutions
* Acknowledge how the conflict illuminated unmet needs and how it’s better now because we know what is needed
* make plans to realize changes to meet the needs
* acknowledge that it was stressful but you’re in a better place for dealing w it.  
* Congratulate yourselves.  Do a little ritual like a dinner out or a scoop of ice cream or a scout badge.

“I do not think things necessarily happen for the best. However, we can learn to make the best of things that happen.” - Tal Ben Shahar

 

SOME MORE LINKS FOR YOUR PERUSAL:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw
The Three Secrets of Resilient People

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJKbr8VvvbY
8 Things Resilient People Do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-or_D-qNqM
Don’t chase happiness. Become antifragile | Tal Ben-Shahar

 

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